Tuesday, September 18, 2007

fretting

The past several days I have walked around the house in sorrow, just wanting to pick up the phone and call Mother and tell her how rotten I feel that she died. After pondering what would happen if I fell ill and was gone in 6 months, I convinced myself that I have cancer. Sleepless nights with access to heavy medical textbooks with color photos does not help the situation. Timmy would never know me, Charlie and Maggie might have vague recollections of a mother, and Will and Mary would forever be angry with me that I died. I would never be able to move to Maine, never try to shear a sheep, never grow my own veggies, and never see my children grow up.

Tim says all this fretting is perfectly normal, but I am going to the doctor anyway.

It certainly doesn't help to come across articles like this one that say:

"US researchers... found the more children couples had, the worse their health and the more likely they were to die early."

4 comments:

Michelle said...

Kat, I am so sorry for your grief. Hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Oh you poor thing!

It IS normal. I went through the same thing after my aunt died in May. She was only 60. Barely 60. We didn't even know she had cancer a year ago, kwim, and I was sure I was doomed to the same shortened life and not have the joy of watching my boys as adults.

For the rest of your life, you will have the peace of knowing that you went through heck and high water to be with your mother for those few precious moments with her before she passed. What a gift from our Father. You will honor her memory by continuing to be the most wonderful mother and wife you are to your family.

Many prayers for you during this time of healing. Give yourself some time to get used to the idea, but you will find that there are always little things that remind you that your mother will always be with you.

Hugs and prayers Kat!

Tracy

scmom said...

I used to read the Merck Manual and do the same thing -- and then I did it with my kids. Ugh. Not a good idea.

Sorry for your grieving -- that is normal, too. Sit down and write her a letter. Or call someone who loved her, too.

Anonymous said...

It is perfectly normal to feel this way Kat. My parents both died early - Mom was 58, Dad was 62. My grandparents also died in their late 60's and 70's. The only one who lived to 90 was my grandfather -- he was 94. I also was worried that I would not be here to take care of my kids, especially since I got married late in life and had them late as well (I had my son at 41). Now I focus that my grandpa lived until 94 and I take after his genes :).

I agree with scmom, sit down and write your Mom a letter or call someone who loved her and just talk about her.