IHM Conference notes: Taming the Tough Teens

Dr. Ray Guarendi is the funniest guy on the homeschool/family life circuit. He imparts great words of wisdom in between jokes, sometimes making the point about discipline the punchline itself. He is the father of many children, all adopted I believe, and can have a 4 year old saying, "Yes sir, anything you say sir," in about 20 minutes. This talk really struck home as I am one of those relatively strict parents he harps on, my kids are good about 85% of the time, but that isn't good enough for Dr. Guarendi. No way, he wants everyone's kids to be kind, respectful, charitable, and gentle all 24 hours of the day.

"Teenage angst" is cultural not developmental. We have permitted a great deal of bad behavior in the name of "kidhood." We are at the point of such lax parenting that now we have an epidemic of battered parent syndrome.

We need to have zero tolerance for nastiness, disrespecting a sibling, and many behaviors that we wouldn't tolerate from anyone else. If they ask to do something fun, "Can I go to the movies...?" They should be given a chore first, "Sure, but the lawn needs to be mowed." If they are rude then add on more labor.

We do the same sins over and over but we expect our kids to reform instantly, "Oh, I never thought of that, I'll be sure to follow your advice next time Mom." Let's get real, they are children and will try the same stunts again and again.

Many of the parents here have kids already in the top 5% of good behavior. They don't do drugs, smoke, drink, swear.... compared to everyone else we are "Amish." But do you want to raise a comparatively decent kid or do you want to raise saints? This relatively strict syndrome is only an illusion of strictness. Compare it to saying at the Particular Judgement, "But, God, 99% of the time I didn't commit a mortal sin!" Our children need to be respectful of their parents and siblings first and foremost, don't let them slide just because they are nice to everyone else but nasty to members of their family.