I have always been of the "tell kids the minimum" school when asked questions such as, "Where do babies come from? and How does the baby get out of your tummy?" Will and Mary don't know anything about s*x at this point, which does make teaching the 6th and 9th Commandments a bit difficult. I knew there will come a day when I would have to address the issue, but both Tim and I feel strongly about keeping children innocent and safe while they are still children. One of the myriad of reasons I was in favor of homeschooling was allowing my kids to not be exposed to a s*x saturated culture while still in kindergarten.
Well, it seems that even as homeschoolers we can't be left alone to decide what is appropriate for our children. A month ago I was approached by a neighbor, a retired psychologist who offered me a book for the kids. Assuming it was an old picture book, we waited outside his house and then proceeded to sell him a box of girl scout cookies. He handed the paperback directly to Mary and I waited until we were out of sight before I flipped through it. "Oh my!" It was a 1970's manual on s*xual education that had pictures and at least one paragraph that condoned a practice that is against Catholic teaching. I tossed it directly into the trash can without a second thought. I was flabbergasted with the nerve of this man who thought he was being helpful by giving my child information that is my job as a parent to teach. When we delivered the box of cookies he asked what I thought of the book. "It goes against our religion's teaching and wasn't appropriate." A few days later I found that he offered a similar book to our 15 year old babysitter as she was walking home. She mentioned that perhaps he had written the books and that is why he felt free to pass them out.
I thought the whole thing was very strange. After all, do you go offering books on homeschooling to your neighbors? But I was polite. However, as a result of this exchange, I have this nagging feeling that I need to have a plan to teach them about puberty, change, where babies come from... but don't know if I should get a good Catholic book on the subject, or just keep being honest but minimal in my information.
Any been there, done that from you moms with older children??
The battle over sex education in the United States continues, with some parents of students at a New Jersey high school challenging a programme that uses peer instructors. School district administrators say that New Jersey law requires them to teach a comprehensive class that addresses abstinence, safe sex, dating violence, HIV-AIDS, and how alcohol and drugs affect sexual decision-making. But one of the objectors says her 14-year-old son was uncomfortable with a session in which a student taught the class how to put on a condom, using a banana.
Last year there 244 disputes over sex education across the country, up from 204 in 2006, according to the lobby group the Sex Information and Education Council of the US. Programmes limited to teaching abstinence until marriage and not promoting contraception have been popular in many states, which receive federal funding for them. Chicago Tribune, February 20
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13 comments:
At this point, we are still in the baby stages of the Examination of conscience - Keep your privates private and only use your body for things God made it for. My boys are 9 and 8, and my daughter is 7. We do talk about modesty, though.
It is really creepy that your neighbor would hand out sex books to the neighborhood children. If it had been a magazine with descriptions and the same pic, he'd have gone to jail! But since it was a textbook...
Going about teaching children the facts of life aside......
this adult male neighbor handing out information on sex to young girls is sending up some major red flags for me and I'm not one to see predators lurking around every corner. Now that you know offering you/Mary the book wasn't an isolated incident I'd be very wary of this person, there is something just not right. He may just be ultra-liberal and think that it his job in 'the village' to make sure the children are 'sex educated' or he could have more serious issues. Either way I would steer clear.
I have both "Listen, Son" and "Mother's Little Helper" (which can be purchased here: http://www.angeluspress.org/oscatalog/item/8254/set-listen,-son-or-mothers-little-helper). Now I will admit, they are a bot on the corny side, but they are just right for teaching naive children. The ages they are set up for are a bit off in this day and age (in my opinion), and I have had to explain some things such as menstrual periods, a little earlier than the book suggested. But it is thoroughly Catholic and pure! My oldest daughter just turned 13, and while I had had the "monthly" talk with her when she turned 10, she still hadn't a CLUE about how babies are conceived (outside of the "God puts them there" aspect, LOL). She is very into reading and learning about wildlife, and I honestly thought she had probably figured some things out for herself (reading about animals mating etc) but she hadn't! I started the conversation with, "Ok, what do you know about how babies are conceived?" and she was way off! It was a funny moment for me but a scary one also! Because then I had to explain to her about it! I am also of the belief that you don't give them more than they ask for. Too much info is not necessarily a good thing! So we went step by step. She has since asked me a question or two here or there, which tells me she trusts me enough to tell her the truth and that she can come to me with questions. That is such a great feeling! I also have a particularly unique situation having so many girls so close in age, and btw, we just found out we're having our 10th girl!, where I have had to sit them in a group and explain menstruation, etc. Why? Because knowing some of their personalities, they'd run off and tell a younger one (and by younger I mean age 8 or 9) all about it. I know that I do not have that problem with my oldest daughter to whom I just explained conception of a child. She's quiet and knows to keep things to herself like that. And thank God I am still homeschooling them! :)
~Karen in Maine
married to Paul
Mother of 12: Josh (18), Brittany (13), Sarah (12)
Katie (11), Lauren (10), Christopher (9 in May)
Julia (7), Veronica (6), Emily (5), Mia (4 in May)
Alexandra (3 in June), Gabriel 16 mos
& new baby GIRL due July 2008!
My 10 year old daughter just *started* her cycles. (!) I would LOVE to find a Christian/Catholic book that leaves out the s*x and talks about the beautiful changes.
Is there such a thing?
Good luck and God bless!
Donna
I am not Catholic, and I'm pretty laid back about the whole s*x-ed thing, and *I* find this creepy. This is just not right. I'm trying to imagine any of our adult male friends, or adult male family members, offering a book about feminine s*x-ed to my girls, and I that would so not fly.
Good luck with future dealings with this neighbor. I hope that he was simply socially handicapped, and not putting feelers out, so to speak.
I was going to say the same thing about the neighbor that almost every comment has said thus far. So I'll just say that I agree. The whole thing is very strange and I would keep the children away from him.
As for teaching my kids about love and marriage and the coming of children (and I like to think about it in this context--it is far more than just s*x), I always told my kids exactly what they asked for at the time. Therefore, my daughter knew how babies got into the mama's womb at a younger age than my son, because he did not seem to wonder much about that until he was older.
I always told the kids the truth--no cabbage patch or stork stories from me, but I also talked about it in terms of our values. So, when we had "the conversation" with N. about two years ago (he was 12), we also talked about how babies need parents who have a strong, covenental marriage and who have the means to take care of the baby. We also talked and continue to talk to him about appropriate friendships at his age (14) and how, although he is looking at girls differently now than he used to, he is still far too young to have a girlfriend.
We talk about the times and seasons of life, and about how when you try to rush things, it isn't nearly as satisfying as waiting until the right time for life to unfold.
Finally--and multi-culturalists should hide their eyes here--we also have talked a lot about how important it is for N. to date and marry a Jewish woman, so that they will be in agreement about religion and so that the children will be Jewish.
So we have put the issues of s*x into the larger context of marriage and family, generations, times and seasons of life, and religious identity and values.
I think it has worked well for us thus far.
My 22 year old is in no rush to marriage, and has a good head on her shoulders about being ready mentally, physically, and spiritually for the important task of making a family and bringing children up in a difficult world.
N. seems to understand what we are saying about being ready for grown-up relationships, and the importance of a child having parents who are committed to each other and to raising a family.
Good luck with this. It is not at all a bad thing to keep little children innocent until they are ready for more information. And I think it is important to teach them about s*x in the larger context of marriage, family and values.
What great responses, thank you so much!
I will continue to let our children be innocent little lambs for the time being and pick up those books the next time I get to the Catholic bookstore. Another book that others have suggested is called The Joyful Mysteries.
As for the creepy neighbor, he is pretty old and all the kids know he is weird and they are not to be near him. I told Tim that if he says anything odd to them that I will threaten to call the police. But right now I am still of the belief that he is just a flaming liberal who wants to educate everyone, not a pervert. But I will keep my eagle eyes on him, be sure of that!
You neighbor seems weird and creepy - I'd keep the kids away.
On the sex ed part, I have a different perspective. My husband and I were kept "innocent" about sex until we were around junior high age. However, by that point, the fact that the subject had never been mentioned, much less clearly explained communicated clearly the idea that it was icky, bad, and certainly not something you would/could/should discuss openly with your parents. Since we parents are likely to be the only source of good, Godly information about sex our kids will have access to in this day and age, this is NOT a good thing. We both refused to talk about sex with our parents once they decided we were old enough to hear about it. And we were both very ill equipped to deal with our sexuality or the temptations out in the world. Out of wedlock pregnancy ensued, very hard and ugly. not a good thing at all.
With our kid, we have talked with them about sex openly and freely from a very, very young age. We don't at all view this as incompatable with their innocence, since sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and celebrated as God intended. We had basic tab a slot b conversations around age 4 or 5 - at that point they're too young to think much of it and you don't get the shocked "ewwww" response. Since they see nothing dark, dangerous or dirty about it, they are informed without having their innocence lost. It also innoculates them against sucking up those errant bad messages about sex they inevitably run into. The fact that we were the first to talk with our kids about sex set us up as the trusted experts on the subject in their lives. We continue to take every opportunity to talk with them about sex, the human body, etc. that we can find. We want them to know that we are the people to trust on this subject, that it is normal and good, etc. Of course, our message is very consistently based on God's design for sex. We see it as training them to handle this aspect of their future lives which is essential to their long term well being.
Any ways, I could go on. But I just wanted to put in a different perspective. My oldest son is now 12 and has absorbed some of the reticence he sees in his friends whose parent's aren't so open about talking about sex. But using humor and relying on our relationship with him, we just keep pushing through. We're still a ways away from the finish line, but so far it really looks like our approach is working as we intended.
OK and so why is this guy so *interested* in the sexual development and education of a young girl? I felt the creepy shudders before I got to the comment section... and I'm seeing everyone else feeling the same way.
You might want to check the sex offender registry, but either way I'd keep the kids away too.
Blech.
Wow, a very creepy neighbor indeed! That is definitely not his place to teach your kids about that! Although I, like you, wouldn't know what to do, I know that if my husband caught wind of that situation, he would have words with the man. Extremely inappropriate behavior on his part.
By the way, our kids learned about s*x when reading the Bible and asking questions, like what does it mean that she lay with him? They were about 9 or so at the time. My husband was the one to explain it to them. We have a boy, 15, and two girls, 14 and 12. We have quite open discussions about the topic, usualy based on what the Bible teaches us to do and NOT do.
"We talk about the times and seasons of life, and about how when you try to rush things, it isn't nearly as satisfying as waiting until the right time for life to unfold."
This is exactly what we've been trying to teach our girls. I think you worded it so beautifully!
Katherine, I agree that your neighbour's behaviour sounds very odd. Most folks today ask a parent's permission before they offer a child anything, and even in a group of people who are fairly liberal about things like s*x education I would expect the book to be handed to the parent for previewing - not the child.
May you find the answers you are seeking,
Ruby
Hi...
I'm going to leave an unpopular opinion here. I understand your standpoint, and as a christian teenager who went to school before begining to homeschool I don't like the way I originally learnt about sex...
However, are you all sure you're giving your children ENOUGH infomation?
I've been sexually abused (which makes me very wary of this neighbour, report him maybe? I don't like the sound of him, giving out books like that to children.) and even though I went to school and had some knowlege about sex, I didn't have a lot, because my parents avoided the subject. I didn't know it was wrong until I was older, it just felt weird and gave me scary nightmares. Thats why I never told anyone as a child, and now it's too late, they don't beleive me, because I'm saying it now and not then.
Once a child begins to reach a mature age, a bit before puberty, probably 10 or so for girls and a bit older for boys, I really beleive they need to at least be taught the basics. Don't go to some workbook, teach it from your own mind. There's no need to go into things like birth control and foreplay and such at that age, but I really beleive children need to have some idea on sex, if only to protect themselves and know when something is bad. You can tell a child that being touched 'there' is bad, or a stranger hugging them strangly is bad, but they wont understand why until they know what sex it. But also because certain urges are natural, and they won't understand those urges until they learn what it is. Children playing 'doctor' is a huge example of this, and happens more than any parent wants to admit.
I don't read this blog regularly, found the post through the carnival of homeschooling, but if you want to argue this point with me you can contact me at abba12_the_first@hotmail.NOSPAM.com (remove the .NOSPAM from that address, thats just to stop bots)
Hi there, I know this post is over a month old ... I just stumbled on your blog -- been doing a lot of blog surfing-- LOL. I'm a Catholic homeschooling mom of 5 children -- and one grandbaby! My children range from 26 years old down to 9 years old. My advice, take your child's lead -- if they ask a question, repeat it back to them to be sure they are truly asking what you think they are asking. Answer as simply as possible at first -- most kids don't want a long answers to their questions. Try to answer their questions about babies and other things as naturally as possible. Be truthful in your answers but the majority of the time it's not necessary to go into long details. I found my kids asked questions little by little over the years -- until finally they had the 'whole package' -- we kept an open dialogue going whenever they asked. You know your children best -- just don't be afraid to talk to them when they ask the questions and you'll do fine.
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