praise effort, not talent

I didn't really need to read this article or book, I have learned the value of praising effort from my 8 year old. Mary doesn't like to be ooohed and aaahed over, such as when I look at her and remark, "You are beautiful." She immediately squishes up her nose. "Okay, you're ugly then," I tease with a smile. What Mary does like is to be quietly told, "I like how you were kind to your little brother/sister," or "You worked very hard on that piano piece."

A growing body of research is finding that praise based on talent and intelligence -- as opposed to effort -- not only doesn't help kids achieve success, it actually backfires.
Children who are praised as smart, special and talented stumble at school when faced with challenges that don't immediately reinforce the mantras they hear at home. They're also more likely to avoid tasks at which they may fail than children who are praised instead for their hard work. And they are more apt to lie and cheat well into their university years. Psychologist Polly Young-Eisendrath calls it the self-esteem trap.


"It's the expectation of being exceptional and the pressure on oneself to be exceptional which creates a kind of restlessness and sense of self-consciousness," says Dr. Young-Eisendrath, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and psychology at the University of Vermont.
What's more, according to her new book, The Self-Esteem Trap: Raising Confident and Compassionate Kids in an Age of Self-Importance, overpraised children don't outgrow these setbacks.